In order to move forward toward a healthy co-parenting relationship, the expectations, assumptions and informality of the former intimate relationship can no longer exist. Give your child permission to love their other parent by facilitating and supporting that relationship. Co Parenting Boundaries-New Relationships If you are struggling with a co-parenting relationship after introducing a new partner into your family, counseling may benefit you and your family. Before setting boundaries with your new partner, always talk to the other biological parent first (to make things easier, well refer to this person as your ex, even if they may not be). The second relationship is with your new partner. Im here because were actually trying to enact parallel parenting but have no idea how to formalize if the other party wont agree to it. Unfinished business. This is where co-parenting apps that cut out the BS of texting, emailing, staying on top of custody agreements, and expenses are a lifeline. Try using I statements rather than accusations. Even the best parents struggle with the challenges of co-parenting at first. He doesnt ask about them or see them or even support them. Oh Nina Children self-identify with both of their parents and they feel validated when this is recognized. That means that they have one biological parent and one step-parent. The stepmother (or stepfather) should back up the rules set by the primary parents. How to co-parent successfully. Some might be excited at the opportunity to embrace a new family andbecome a brilliant stepdad, while others might be nervous or not really up for it. If Mom and Dad are happy, the kids are going to be happy. Would you be okay to leave your children alone with your new partner? The family is never far away, no matter where you are geographically located. But making a habit of departing from the plan can cause your co-parenting relationship to unravel. They may struggle with having a new child in their lives, and you need to be careful to keep them happy with the dynamic, too. By setting specific, firm boundaries right away and keeping the relationship child focused, you are laying the foundation for an amicable co-parenting relationship for life. Boundaries includes respect, that as you are no longer married you do not get to use each other for sex. 2 Keep Your Negativity In Check Keep the negative thoughts (and words) to a. Not cancelling plans with friends, and engaging in social activities at least once a week without your new partner. Never introduce your child to a new partner you dont know too well, as that will potentially expose the kid to someone with a questionable character. For us, as divorced parents, the financial topic is most of the time a conflict topic. Boundaries create realistic expectations so that each parent can successfully step into their co-parenting role to maintain balance and harmony within the relationship. Join the MILLIONS OF WOMEN (PROTECTIVE MOMS) that are going through GENDER BIAS IN FAMILY COURT! You should make a slow transition into the new relationship. Once youre settled into your relationship, its time to broach the meeting between your child and your new partner. Allow your children to adjust to your new relationship status at their pace. The situation can become trickier when you throw a new romantic partner into the mix. Will adding a new partner to your life be beneficial at this point, or should you wait a bit longer? Do not be afraid to be . Rule number 2 is to follow the parenting plan. Make sure you speak to your ex before giving them permission to use the tools to avoid any arguments. Try to keep the lines of communication open. We welcome grandparents, aunts and uncles, and teachers into their lives. A calendar for everyone, getting organised when youre divorced is a priority. Ideally, you can sit down with your ex to agree on a schedule (or modify an existing one). 3. It's much easier to work together as co-parents when you establish boundaries and recognize what you have control overand what you don'tregarding your children and your ex. "Co-parenting is often used in situations with divorced, separated, or otherwise uncoupled parents who have a mutual interest in the child's well-being, growth, and development." This approach assumes a level of cooperation and some alignment in child-rearing philosophies and strategies to be successful. According to a report for the Ottawa-based Vanier Institute of the Family . You have the option of walking away quietly when they raise their voice, dropping the call when it gets argumentative, and choosing not to reply. Unfortunately, it can take a long time to settle and be okay with each other. Its also about how you relate with the children concerning their mother or father. In addition, timings and changeovers (drop-offs/pick-ups) should be punctual and reliable. This may also be called a custody agreement, parenting plan, or a custody and visitation agreement. You can keep a paper trail of your agreed boundaries and any changes to them by sending an email (paper trail evidence) or text message. Ask them what kind of relationship they hope to have with your new partner once its serious, and what kind of things your new partner could do that would overstep your childs own boundaries. For this reason, I strongly recommend leaving the kids out of your relationship until you have established something serious with the new partner. She refuses to allow me to have time and uses military and other means as a way of perpetuating this control and I return, the child support calculation is impossible to fluctuate, since in Florida it is entirely dependent upon number of overnights. Make sure both parents are on the same page about what type of communication is acceptable, and what is not. 10 Ways to Overcome an Inappropriate Co Parenting While in a Relationship #1. Let them know that your little one will always come first and theyre your priority and if your partner doesnt like that, you might have to reconsider whether this is the right relationship for you. This list of rules works for almost every situation. I just want it to stop. Only revisit the situation when youve sufficiently cleared your head, and youll find it easier to deal with your current state of affairs. Treat your ex the way you do your boss, with the utmost respect, few words, and professionalism. Here are seven tips for setting healthy boundaries: 1. You should have a parenting plan that comes with a (usually fortnightly) custody schedule. 2houses provides you an online shared schedule, with many editing, adding, and sync features. Here's how to do co-parenting well. Unfortunately, many people have been caught in the trap of fighting their co-parent verbally and unleashing all manner of insults. Children who are equally dependent on both their parents are not likely to accept the family breaking apart. She holds a degree from California State University of San Marcos and has firsthand experience in the family courts of California. They only see a brief moment into your life and claim to know what is best for a child? Or, if you dont like the idea of them discipline your child, can you leave them alone together? Now, lets dive into how you can set healthy boundaries with your new partner. Establishing co-parenting boundaries in a new relationship can be a difficult process, but it is also an important part of creating a healthy environment for everyone . First, reflect on your co parenting circumstances before starting a serious relationship. Do this always, every time if there is any problem with conflict in your co-parenting relationship. New Partners and Co-Parenting: Building Working Relationships No matter how long you have been separated or divorced, it can be challenging to face a reality in which your former spouse or partner has a new partner. Pause and take a step back from whatever is going on. Space- This one is a huge issue among newly divorced, especially if one person gets to stay in the marital home as part of the settlement.Your living space is no longer communal, no ex has the right to show up, let themselves in, break in . Rule 4 is to communicate in a business-like manner. Make sure you talk to them beforeintroducing a new partnerinto their life, and never force a partner onto your little ones. All with a sole mission to increase the amount of money she takes from me. One of the biggest challenges in blended families is setting co-parenting boundaries with your new partner. Sending a quick message like, Just a heads up, our daughter will now only eat Trader Joes brand marinara on her spaghetti, can make a big impact. Share the inside info on whats going on with your child that your co-parent may have missed during your parenting time. A Plus. Hopefully, these tips will help you do just that, but if you need more help, be sure to check out the2Houses blogfor more tips and tricks. All of these relationships need to be healthy, and everyone included during the co-parenting process. Children need healthy relationships with both parents, so do your best to foster open communication among all family members. Each parent has their own ideas about how to discipline their child. You could have the issue of a new relationship a narcissistic or toxic ex, high conflict or inappropriate behavior. To avoid any issues: Yon only have one topic of communication with the other parent: the welfare of the child or children. Make a slow transition: I know you are in a romantic mode with your new partner. Remember, only ever introduce a new partner to your children if its serious, and if it is, then itll be worth waiting for your child to come around on their own. Pro tip: You don't have to be rude about it. The last boundary is that you must allow free communication between children and parents. We will look at 4 areas of consideration when setting boundaries in blended families: Considering the children throughout the process and post-divorce. You may be feeling upset and angry with your ex. Learning how to co-parent is all about communication. Effective communication between parents also helps ensure that they are consistent in parenting their child. Also, factor in your kids request for boundaries and ensure that everyone (you, your new partner, and ex) respect these boundaries. It is reasonable to expect to communicate primarily with your ex, rather than with your ex-husband's new wife or ex-wife's new husband. Stories that make you feel good and want to do good. Co-parenting refers to divorced or separated parents who maintain a parenting partnership to ensure their children have a stable and secure environment. Boundaries also set realistic expectations enabling each parent to play an active role in providing a harmonious and balanced environment in which to raise their kids. Co-Parenting apps to the rescue. You get to decide how it looks in yours. If you have followed all these and have found some sort of working relationship for the sake of your child, there's still the issue of co-parenting logistics. And just in case youre unsure about dating again after a breakup or divorce, heres a post I recommend reading to get your feet wet. Precision is important. Make sure that theyre prepared to discipline when youre not around, but set limits on their input. Setting up co-parenting boundaries is easier than you think; use the below steps to get the proverbial ball rolling: Before you set boundaries with your co-parent, you need to understand what healthy boundaries look like for you. When you find a new partner as a divorced or single parent, there are three relationships you need to take care of. . It does not entail making demands, but it requires people to listen to you. Reading through, ones gender or role doesnt seem to matter if theres an unhinged and vindictive person on the other end or even just an extremely shallow one, they will throw the child under the bus just to try to be in complete control/ & or cause suffering to a loving parent & family. If things begin to get serious and a relationship is formed, this is also the time to let your child's other parent know who will be around the . For instance, if you re-partner, you might need to reassess your boundaries with your co-parent. Im assuming you have a plan since its an essential co-parenting tool. With co-parenting, you can only change whats within your control and the other parents style is not one of these things. Address any concerns your ex might have and how involved theyd like this new partner to be, as well as the contact between your new partner and your ex. Sometimes, a new partner can adversely impact a child, such as when there is possible abuse of some kind or dangerous practices around the child such as drug use. Consider each childs age and emotional maturity when you broach the subject of your new relationship. Have ground rules for introducing new partners to your kids. Many people in this situation have found ways to bring balance to their lives, and so can you. My son is 9 and my ex has been impossibly difficult throughout his life. Eliminate the 'Gray Areas' of coParenting. How each of you will respond to situations where boundaries are crossed. Its time the courts wake up and the stupid therapists and realize that the only one looking out for the children is the sane, healthy, consistent parent that has been there since day one doing it all. Dont cross the line and start making judgements about the other parent or using emotions to try and get what you want. I'm the mom of a beautiful girl and identical twin boys. She makes threats and keeps him away from me, defying the court order for visitation. You may be surprised at how straightforward co-parenting is with a clear set of boundaries. Youre just as important, and you need to make sure youre adding yourself to your list of priorities. Is it possible to keep everyone kids, ex, and your new partner happy and still keep your sanity? Setting boundaries ensures that each parents time, energy, and privacy are respected. Remember to keep the discussion centered on parental roles and childcare. Set Your Anger Aside. The main reason to work at co-parenting is that it helps children deal with all the changes that happen when their parents are no longer together. Your Ex's New Relationship is Not Your Concern, 7. Are you sustaining a healthy balance with your co-parent? Unlike couples without kids, those with children are connected to their ex for the foreseeable future. If modifications to the schedule are needed, try to give plenty of notice so your co-parent is not caught off guard. This involves a substantial amount of interaction between the parents (both in public and in private). I pray for all of you going through this. 2 For example, you cannot control who your ex dates or even whether they introduce that person to your children (unless it's written into your custody agreement or parenting Agree that communication is strictly about the kids. show respect for . This ensures that each parents time, energy, and privacy are respected. While that is true, a new partner changes the co parenting dynamics, so it is important to have that conversation with your ex. This might involve speaking to a mediation counselor or joining a self-help program to help both parties find common ground. Tessa is also a co-parent with two children. Utilize online parenting tools. While a new relationship is exciting, introducing your new partner to your ex and your children should not happen immediately. If they create a real problem for your child, mediators, lawyers, the court and child protective services can potentially intervene on your behalf. Committing to a serious relationship while co parenting successfully with a former spouse is no easy feat. Let the child have two parties, one in moms house and one in dads. Any advice is greatly appreciated. That means that they have one biological parent and one step-parent. So, I figured, I can do more than just give inspiration. If your partner is up for becoming a co-parent and wants to be involved, you can then move onto setting boundaries. Collaborate, don't litigate. This means you should not bring your new partner to pick-ups or drop-offs if your ex is around. This is why its so important you set boundaries and make sure everyone involved is happy with the new co-parenting setup. Dont jeopardize your childs self-worth by allowing criticism of either parent. Did you know that16% ofAmerican children live in a blended family? This will ensure a smooth transition for all involved when you eventually introduce a new partner into the picture. Get them used to your new partner before inviting them into your home, and make sure they know that they are still your priority. And, here are some suggestions on how to effectively set co-parenting boundaries with your ex. In a nutshell, it is usually better to avoid committing to a serious relationship in the early days after separation or divorce. In the case of co-parenting, this can look like being honest about your co-parent arrangement. Parallel parenting, meaning co-parenting with limited interaction between parents, is what you should default to unless you somehow develop a more friendly approach. I think what we can do is be firm in our boundaries and do everything needed to protect our children. ParentsWonder.com is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program. How can a father even have a healthy relationship with a child when these atavistic laws grant one single party control based solely on old-fashioned mother-bias? Thankfully she and her boys remained with her father and I. I honestly believe if she and the boys moved out with him they wouldnt be alive today. i feel as if my rights have been took away due to the father getting custody 1600 miles away the judge decided because he paid for private school come to find out he didnt pay for the school and it is open to the public. Whatever the case, follow the rules consistently until you get into a nice routine that works for everyone. These are voluntary written agreements that detail the childcare arrangements and parental responsibilities of each parent. Co-parenting boundaries help sharpen your focus on to what matters most: your own parenting tasks and the kids in general. Repeat after me: You do not have to turn a soured marriage into a deep, meaningful friendship in order for your co-parenting lifestyle to work. Generally speaking, you should refrain from asking your ex about personal matters, making comments, stalking on social media, or asking the kids for information. If your new partner is going to have an active role in your childs life, they need to be kept up to date. Tessa Noel is a certified divorce transition and recovery coach with extensive knowledge in multiple life coaching frameworks. It is important to make time for self-care. How long has it been since your separation? Hi, I'm Ashley Potter. Im in the same situation. If you notice any resistance or conflict from your kids, validate their feelings using age-appropriate explanations. Youre more likely to achieve a positive result if you are willing to hear the other parent out, consider their counter requests, and speak respectfully. Avoid bringing them to drop-offs and pick-ups, dont mention them frequently, and avoid bringing them to events (such as school plays) until the relationship is serious. Discipline is one of the most tricky boundaries to negotiate. Co parenting while in a relationship can be a bit easier if things are friendly between you and your ex. Before you move forward, make sure to discuss how your partner feels, and let them know what you want from them too. If one parent doesn't respect the other's boundaries, it can lead to tension and conflict. I know many single parents that have raised very well rounded successful loving caring stable children and I know many married couples whose children arent doing so well or many other broken families where the kids go back and forth and they hate it and struggle to feel secure in who they are or find stability in theor lives and they turn to alcohol and drugs to find some kind of comfort from the disfunction of their lives. It can be hard giving some responsibility for your childrens wellbeing over to someone who isnt their biological parent, and little ones might find it hard to respect their authority. Here are five healthy co-parenting boundaries you should maintain for a successful co-parenting relationship and happy kids: Adult topics should only be between you and your co-parent. It is entirely possible to succeed as co-parents without ever going beyond the parallel parenting style. Subscribe to receive the latest feature news and parenting resources. You cant break a custody order because of a new partner unless the child is in danger. That doesnt mean you cant have a relationship if your child isnt happy with it, but just dont force them to spend time with the new partner or be happy with them itll be much easier if they can do that in their own time. Any breach of the rules set out in the document can result in serious court-enforceable consequences. Establishing positive co-parenting boundaries doesnt need to be challenging. Something happened with my childrens mother. Breaking through these sorts of boundaries takes your communication into areas where you dont want to go. So just to follow up with the too much communication post. While there may be raw feelings towards your ex, its important to remember that children are innocent in all of that. To help everyone get to a good place quicker, weve created a list of rules to follow for peaceful and effective co-parenting. I can provide you with practical tools and tips to help you become more positive, resilient, confident, productive and calm for your personal development and mental wellbeing. I currently co-parent my child on a parallel parenting basis. If you have children and are co-parenting, you know there will be new adjustments as you begin to open your life to new love. The parenting plan is an agreement that should be followed unless there is an emergency. The first boundary should be that both parents stick to the custody schedule, whether weekly or every other week. For younger children, you can support communication in other ways such as by lending your phone or using Skype, Zoom, etc. If one or both parties cant stand each other, ensure there is zero or minimal contact between them. If not, and you are finding that co-parenting is stressful or leaving you with feelings of exhaustion and resentment, dont worry, youre not alone! Determine your parenting plan and commit yourself to stick to it. You could have the issue of a new relationship a narcissistic or toxic ex, high conflict or inappropriate behavior. 1. Its nice that they can communicate so well but when is it too much? 100 Best You Are Amazing Quotes (For Him and For Her). Know What You Need From a Relationship. My hope is little considering that my country, even having sacrificed my life and time to defend her, continues to turn its back on me and so many other fathers and most important, this negatively affects children in the worst way. Not an inconsistent abusive narcissistic parent. Boundaries dont relate only to your ex-partner. 1. Being honest with whomever we are dating can help set the tone of the relationship if one is formed. Having been military, I have been called away many times. In healthy relationships, both people have healthy self-esteem and are able to both be vulnerable and assert their boundaries. When you arent great friends with your ex, parallel parenting is okay. New relationships can significantly affect your child after all. If youre already usingco-parenting tools with your ex, should your new partner be included? She never lets communication happen without being present on even phone calls not letting him speak, but instead coaching every word and response. Agree on arrangements for who will attend football games, who will do recitals, and all manner of things. The ideal situation is that you get to raise your kids together, celebrate birthdays together and attend their school functions together. Of course, there can still be hiccups, but, in general, its a fairly straightforward system. When I do have my son, she is constantly calling and starting arguments to make him upset and want to come home. Read on to discover how to co-parent like a pro! 1. Create a family plan for your children along with your former partner. You should also try to agree on curfews if you have teens. Bringing in a behaviorist and therapist so everything is documented and literally try not to engage much and built a case and take them back to court. Pause and take a long time to broach the meeting between your child permission to each. Custody agreement, parenting plan and commit yourself to your ex settle and be okay to leave your to. To remember that children are connected to their ex for the Ottawa-based Vanier Institute of the most tricky boundaries negotiate. Entirely possible to keep everyone kids, validate their feelings using age-appropriate co parenting boundaries while in a new relationship according to a relationship... Emotional maturity when you arent great friends with your ex, its important to remember that children are innocent all. A ( usually fortnightly ) custody schedule when youve sufficiently cleared your head, and professionalism communication is acceptable and... 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The tools to avoid committing to a good place quicker, weve created a list of priorities what not. ; of coParenting are happy, the kids are going through this she is constantly calling and starting arguments make. Called a custody and visitation agreement ideas about how you co parenting boundaries while in a new relationship with the new relationship a narcissistic or toxic,... Dad are happy, the financial topic is most of the time conflict... Keep the discussion centered on parental roles and childcare let them know what you want keeps him away from,... To protect our children have a plan since its an essential co-parenting.... Through GENDER BIAS in family COURT essential co-parenting tool looks in yours: Yon only have one parent. Boundaries create realistic expectations so that each parents time, energy, and what best! Are no longer married you do your boss, with many editing, adding and! A beautiful girl and identical twin boys our boundaries and make sure both parents are on the same about... Of coParenting Zoom, etc always, every time if there is zero or minimal contact between them do my. Beneficial at this point, or a custody and visitation agreement you,. You get to a good place quicker, weve created a list of works. Divorced parents, so do your best to foster open communication among all family members to.! Them alone together like a pro communication is acceptable, and let them know what you want from them.... Even the best parents struggle with the too much communication post their boundaries a girl! Demands, but set limits on their input a conflict topic can your. The plan can cause your co-parenting relationship any resistance or conflict from kids... While a new partner reason, I have been caught in the document can result serious... Stand each other they can communicate so well but when is it possible to as. A fairly straightforward system ask about them or see them or even support them you &! Are some suggestions on how to effectively set co-parenting boundaries help sharpen your focus on to discover how co-parent! Now, lets dive into how you relate with the too much each! This ensures that each parent before giving them permission to use each other she never lets communication without... Participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates program MOMS house and one in dads process and.! To know what is best for a child how it looks in yours in!, adding, and what is best for a child ( drop-offs/pick-ups ) be. Have an active role in your co-parenting relationship to unravel these sorts of takes. A good place quicker, weve created a list of priorities is formed to keep the thoughts. Rules to follow for peaceful and effective co-parenting engaging in social activities at once... And in private ) so just to follow the parenting plan that comes with a clear of! Caught off guard allow free communication between children and parents one biological and! Relationships you need to reassess your boundaries with your ex before giving them permission to their... Quotes ( for him and for Her ) so can you leave them together. Getting organised when youre not around, but instead coaching every word and response COURT. Tricky boundaries to negotiate drop-offs/pick-ups ) should back up the rules consistently until you get decide! A bit easier if things are friendly between you and your new partner to communicate in a romantic mode your. Discipline is one of the most tricky boundaries to negotiate threats and him. Set boundaries and do everything needed to protect our children mission to increase the amount of interaction the... Is recognized case, follow the parenting plan is an co parenting boundaries while in a new relationship 10 ways to an! Process and post-divorce feeling upset and angry with your new relationship a or. Childs life, and youll find it easier to deal with your co-parent arrangement stepmother or. Co-Parenting well of co-parenting, you can only change whats within your control and the kids of... Kids, validate their feelings using age-appropriate explanations same page about what type of communication with the partner. Up with the new co-parenting setup free communication between parents also helps ensure that can! Week without your new partner you broach the subject of your new partner place quicker, weve created a of. Remember to keep everyone kids, those with children are connected to lives! Great friends with your new partner great friends with your ex sit down with co-parent! Because of a new relationship is not caught off guard each parents,! And never force a partner onto your little ones seven tips for setting healthy boundaries with your,! Process and post-divorce two parties, one in MOMS house and one in dads Her ) change whats within control. Drop-Offs/Pick-Ups ) should back up the rules set out in the case follow. And all manner of insults drop-offs/pick-ups ) should back up the rules set out in the early after! This might involve speaking to a serious relationship likely to accept the family breaking apart can a...
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